Admissions Counselor – Community College – With Edits

This position provides guidance and assistance to prospective students on the enrollment process and required policies and procedures This position requires you to walk a bunch of entitled kids who “know more than you because they go to college,” through their two year degree at our establishment. The Admissions Counselor understands and interprets the goals and objectives of prospective studentscan stand to deal with the post-millenial and alpha generation and provides appropriate college information through individual consultation and group presentations really sell a kid on putting themselves into extreme amounts of debt with no hope of finding a decent job for at least a few years following, and represents the collegeyou better not be a piece of sh*t, acting as a liaison with area high schools, community and business agencies, and the general publicyou had better scout talent within schools, communities, and businesses otherwise you will be deemed a piece of sh*t. This role also includes a focus on secondary partnership credit and non-credit programs, initiatives, and opportunities including but not limited to College in the High School and Dual Enrollment.We will give you this to help you not be seen as a piece of sh*t.  Consider it a gift.

Travels to businesses, schools and other community contact locations independently.Figure sh*t out for yourself.  Leave your boss alone, but you know….not here.
Works hours outside of a normal business schedule including evenings and weekends.You may miss a football game or your favorite regularly scheduled TV Program…ya piece of sh*t.
Consults with students via phone, email, and in person to provide supportIf you do not have a Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, or Twitter account please leave us alone.
Conducts outreach and presentations to develop and maintain relationships with outside entitiesDo be a piece of sh*t to customers.
Consults with students via phone, email, and in person to provide supportTalk to these kids but don’t be a pervert.
Operates a computer to gather data, do research, and generate reportsBe able to find people on Facebook. Then be able to stalk them via any of the aforementioned Social Media Mediums.
Develops, enhances and sustains procedures, processes and systems, including checklists and forms.Keep track of your own sh*t so we don’t have to.

1. Recruit prospective students by proactively communicating the enrollment process, program-specific details, and general HACC information via email, telephone, social media, personal meetings, walk-in inquiries, campus tours, and group information sessions.Perform any task necessary to trick these young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

2. Create presentations and conduct outreach to high school students, adults, special populations, school districts, community 
agencies, consortia, and other external groups or agencies to initiate and maintain programs and partnership opportunities; ensures
consistent, relevant, and appropriate communications to partners to promote and advance positive relationship with HACC.Perform any task necessary to trick these young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

3. Develop and implement special programming and events for prospective students – some of which may be related to other college departments such as the Office of Academic Success, Career Services, the Library, and Counseling and Advising.  Perform any task necessary to trick these young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

4. Maintain a schedule of events for student recruitment activities including on-campus visits and tours for prospective students and groups.Perform any task necessary to trick these young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

5. Work with other College offices to attain expertise in and assist with student recruitment activities in key areas; including academic and other programs, student populations, and special projects.  Perform any task necessary to trick these young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

6. Represent the college at area schools by interacting with classes and individual students. Establish and maintain relationships with school counselors, teachers and administrators.Perform any task necessary to trick these young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

7. Represent the college at community and business agencies and at community events including college, career, and education fairs. Establish and maintain community contacts for student recruitment purposes.Meet and learn from other individuals how to better trick young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

8. Collaborate with other college departments, local businesses, and community groups to form partnerships for the promotion and marketing of the college. Serve on internal and external committees to implement student recruitment initiatives and promote college enrollment.Meet and learn from other individuals how to better trick young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

9. Generate and process RECRUITER and BANNER reports and develop and maintain tracking systems to review prospect information and provide outreach. Interpret data and reports to determine effectiveness of outreach efforts and programs. Maintain departmental data and related documents and assist in increasing the overall percentage of yield for admitted/enrolled students.Streamline the processes of tricking young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

10. Develop and implement campus-specific student recruitment and retention strategies to promote enrollment of secondary partnership students after high school graduation; facilitates the application, enrollment, and placement testing process for secondary partnership students; facilitates transition of secondary partnership students as regular HACC students by serving as an advocate and a resource and by identifying and resolving barriers to enrollment.Streamline the processes of tricking young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

11. Develop and implement campus-specific student recruitment and retention strategies to promote enrollment of secondary partnership students after high school graduation; facilitate the application, enrollment, and placement testing process for secondary partnership students; facilitate transition of secondary partnership students as regular HACC students by serving as an advocate and a resource and by identifying and resolving barriers to enrollment.Streamline the processes of tricking young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

12. Work with academic leaders to facilitate the approval process of new College in the High School course offerings; Work with academic leaders to facilitate the application and course qualification process for teacher as adjunct faculty; Work with academic leaders to coordinate orientation of new faculty to HACC and secondary partnership policies and procedures; Work with academic leaders to coordinate opportunities with department chair for on-going discipline-specific professional development.  Back to perform any task necessary to trick these young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

13. Advise school administrators, school counselors, teachers, students, and families on HACC policies and procedures. Refers complex or high-level issues, complaints, or concerns to appropriate administrator or department chair.Share with others what you have learned about not being a piece of sh*t.

14. Identify opportunities to improve admissions policies and proceduresStreamline the processes of tricking young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

15. Participate in training programs to develop professionally and become fully informed about the College and admissions strategies.Meet and learn from other individuals how to better trick young unsuspecting victims into a financially crippling amount of debt.

16. Other duties as assigned.Whatever else we want.

Associate’s Degree and three years of related experience.Someone who once was an unsuspecting young victim that we or someone else successfully tricked into financially crippling debt.

Or an equivalent combination of education and experience sufficient to perform the essential duties of the job.Cover our a**es in case we decide to hire someone we know with little to no experience.

Pennsylvania Driver’s License…Do we really need to put this??

Positions in this class typically require: grasping, feeling, talking, hearing, seeing and repetitive motions.We know what this sounds like…but seriously no perverts.

Sedentary Work: Exerting up to 10 pounds of force occasionally and/or a negligible amount of force frequently or constantly to lift, carry, push, pull or otherwise move objects, including the human body. Sedentary work involves sitting most of the time. Jobs are sedentary if walking and standing are required only occasionally and all other sedentary criteria are met.Please focus your efforts less on exercise and more on tricking potential students.

Bilingual 
Previous work experience in higher education

Meh.

Knowledge:
Clerical and office support practices
Budgetary principles
Principles and practices in area of assignment
Customer service principles
Report Preparation techniques
Various computer applications and related software
English language, punctuation, and grammar
Mathematical concepts
Inventory maintenance principles

Maintaining various confidential records
Exercising judgment and discretion
Prioritizing and organizing work
Preparing and proofreading a variety of reports and/or documentation
Recognizing problems, identifying alternative solutions, and making appropriate recommendations
Communication, interpersonal skills as applied to interaction with students, coworkers, supervisor, the general public, etc. sufficient to exchange or convey information and to receive work direction
Working independently
Providing customer service
Operating a variety of office equipment, including a computer and related software applications, telephone, fax machine, and adding machine

The continuing ability to not be a piece of sh*t.  Also, I can not stress enough….No Perverts.

Creating opportunities and transforming lives to shape the future – together.

Tricking unsuspecting youth into crippling financial debt before their lives truly start; therein we boost our own profits as we over-saturate the job market.

We will be the first choice for a quality and accessible higher education opportunity.  We hope to be the premier institution that tricks unsuspecting youth into crippling financial debt.

Our core values are integrity, collegiality, excellence and trust.

As an institution of higher education, we recognize our responsibility to maintain an environment that affirms the diversity of people and ideas.

We embrace, support, and actively pursue a policy of inclusiveness that reflects and appreciates the diversity of the community we serve and the world in which we live.

The Board of Trustees and the President lead our commitment to open access to education, diversity, cultural sensitivity, and equal opportunity in employment. This commitment serves to promote a
college-wide environment of collegiality, inclusiveness, respect, and cultural competence.

Blah Blah….Obligatory legal crap.  We don’t discriminate.  Your money and the money we receive from the government from bringing in minorities all spends the same.  Also we answer to rich a*sholes that don’t care about you apart from your money.  Queue the line we mentioned earlier that is meant to sell you the college illusion.